Trust God in all things

A very dear friend of mine sent me a wonderful e-mail on trusting God. While reading this I realised two things, 1) not worrying and feeling God's love wrapped like a blanket around me, that was my precise feeling on Tuesday, 12 May 2009, when I received my diagnoses and 2) we must always trust God in the big as well as the little things. Actually, in all things.

I would like to share this message with you, by Terri Hardwick:

“Why do you worry….?” Jesus asks in Matthew 6:28. When I became a mother, I became an expert in worrying. When I brought my first baby home from hospital, I will never forget the fear I had of going to sleep that first night. Would something happen to my little man while I was sleeping? What if he stopped breathing?

Fear is the enemy of faith. Faith is complete reliance and trust in God, and it is an act of the will. Faith has little to do with feeling, and everything to do with fact. God is God, maker of heaven and earth, almighty and everlasting. He is the God of the Bible and true to His word. He is the God of the infinite and the God of the detail. He is everywhere, and He is intimately acquainted with each one of us; our thoughts, needs and desires. If we believe this, what or whom shall we fear?

How can we worry? Could it be that although we have faith to move mountains in other areas of life, as parents we can easily crumble? Like the time you lose your child in a crowd and sheer panic sets in? Or when he lies sick and frail and you are helpless to do anything? And what about when he gets his driver’s license, and you watch him drive away for the first time on his own? These are the times when a parent’s faith is often replaced by fear, when our hearts cry out that this is my child, my flesh and blood!

I will never forget when God taught me to unfailingly trust Him with the safety and protection of my children. My fourth child Daniel was almost three years old. He was full of boundless energy and relentlessly inquisitive. I was at the hairdressers and Daniel kept wandering out the door looking for further places to explore. I had to keep asking the hairdresser to fetch him and bring him back time and time again. On about the fifth retrieval mission, Daniel had suddenly disappeared. I flew out of the chair, my hair half cut, with the black cape flapping around me as I ran down the stairs which opened onto a busy road. Daniel was nowhere to be seen.

The hairdresser rushed up the road in a frantic search while I went back to the salon to call the police. I was sick with fear, panic and desperation. After giving them his description and all the details, I hung up the phone and cried out to God. In the midst of my blubbering and incoherent words I suddenly heard God speak to me in a clear, audible voice. I had never experienced anything like this before, and I have never forgotten the impact of God’s words to me. He said, “Terri!”… “Yes Lord” I replied. “If Daniel was with your father would you be worried?” I thought about this for a moment and replied “No Lord.” Then God said to me, “Well Daniel is with his Heavenly Father… so don’t worry.”

What words of comfort. At that moment I knew that I had nothing to fear. Peace filled my heart and I knew that although I was not with Daniel, God was with him, and he was safe in His care. I sensed that he would be alright, but I also knew that no matter what the outcome, Daniel was with His Heavenly Father, and both in this life and in the next, that is where I want him to be.

Not many minutes later, the police rang the salon where they had asked me to wait. They told me that Daniel had been brought into the station by an elderly couple. He had crossed two busy roads but had come to no harm. When I arrived to fetch him Daniel was sitting up on the sergeant’s desk with a police hat on looking exuberant. I swept him up in my arms and for some reason I exclaimed, “Daniel! Who brought you here?” Amazingly, Daniel looked into my eyes and said with great deliberation…”Dod did.”

God did. Where I failed and couldn’t be there to protect Daniel, God did. And the wonderful thing is that He is always there. In Psalm139, David says, “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence?...If I settle on the far side of the sea, even there Your hand will guide me, Your right hand will hold me fast.” As parents, we have to accept we have limitations. We will make mistakes. We will fail. Even when we do our best, sometimes things go horribly wrong. But in the unpredictability of life, one thing always remains predictable. One thing never changes. God is God, the same yesterday, today and forever. When we put our faith and trust in Him, no matter what happens, we will not be shaken. Then we can be set free from fear, and say along with King David, “Find rest my soul in God alone, my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken (Psalm 62:5-6).

Chocolate

Photos from the top: the boys swimming; Race for Life and my mates from Rainbow Play Group, My "Race for life for..." poster; Hugo, Ivan and mummy on my birthday; LL and Karen came to visit!

Today, for the first time I tasted Lindt Chocolate with a hint of sea salt. I found it very metaphoric of my life the past month.

On the 24th of June I celebrated my birthday, in Greenwich Park with the three loves of my life. We had a great picnic and every moment of that day I felt so blessed and thankful to actually have that birthday. You see, in 2009, on the 24th of June, I wished that the next 365 days would fly by and indeed it did. I was so happy to celebrate my 34th birthday. Indeed, the day tasted like my favourite chocolate.

June was also a month filled with great UK weather, excursions to the park and train rides. Not even to mention a proper braai just about four times a week. We have also decided to move home and were looking at places in Wimbledon, Putney, Raynes Park. Unfortunately we did not find a suitable dwelling and decided to stay in the Docklands area, where we know lots of people, the boys can continue going to Rainbow Play Group and we can carry on at church as normal. Our good friends LL en Karen Coetzee came to visit for three days. It was wonderful to show them our part of our little UK.

But early July I tasted the salt in my chocolate. We had to say goodbye to a great friend and colleague, Magdel Lotz. She lost her battle against cancer. She put up the bravest fight I have ever seen, always smiling, always looking so beautiful, always being positive and optimistic. I learned so much from her. She was a fantastic teacher, great motivator and a friend through thick and thin. The realisation of this hit home when I did my third Race for Life event at Blackheath. My poster read "Race for life for Magdel....", I had to change that to "In loving memory of Magdel.....". This was so hard to do. But I know she is now in a place where her illness is no more and pain and tears are gone forever. She was such an amazing woman that I believe the Lord couldn't wait any longer to have her with Him, He has great plans......

In four weeks time Andries' mom and dad will be arriving for an eight week holiday! We are very excited and can't wait for the cups of tea we're going to drink together! They are also spoiling Andries and me with nine days of bliss - looking after the boys while we are off to Italy. I can't wait!

There are boxes to be packed and papers to sort through. I am very excited for our new home and the adventures that lies ahead!

Six-month clear

This last week was quite busy. The highlight however was on Tuesday when I've received the six-month "all clear". After some blood tests the week before, Dr. Jones, my oncologist, seemed very satisfied with the results. The medication I am taking, and in all probability for the next 20 months, has it's side effects. This is medication prescribed for breast cancer patients as well as woman struggling to fall pregnant. I can see and feel the effects as my cycle follows it's hormonal journey every month. But, my doctor wasn't ready for me to just stop using it and for the time being I just have to cope with the slight discomfort.

I felt very anxious the day before the appointment - you just never know what the results are going to say. It was a great relief to hear her say "everything is fine and the blood results look great". She confirmed yet again that my results after the operation, which was a pathological complete remission, is the best possible result you can hope for. Auxiliary involvement (the amount of lymph nodes also affected by cancer) is a very good indicator for future recurrence. The more nodes involved, the bigger the changes. Literature suggest that with four or more lymph nodes effected, your chances of recurrence or even metastases (when the cancer spreads to other body parts like the liver or bones) jumps to 60%. In my situation we do not know how many nodes where initially involved, but only that they (or maybe just one...) tested positive. The pathology report however shows a good and positive outcome with regards to recurrence.

But with the days in between we feel very home sick, especially when experiencing the Soccer World Cup from so far away. Yet, we feel so proud so be South African in these trying times. We're having a family long weekend in a UK CenterParcs resort (Longleat, close to Bath), It's similar to an up market Aventura resort - a lovely facility where you can get back to nature, ride a bike all weekend long and just relax.

Today was also my middle sister Karien's thirtieth birthday (Happy, Happy!) as well as my dear friend Santie's little Sune's third birthday. And it is just days like these that you wish you were so much closer to home. I miss all of them dearly!

Hope you have a great weekend and enjoy the soccer - or football as we refer to it here in the UK ;-)

Today, one year

Today, one year ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It's been a journey filled with pain, tears, but also healing, hope and love. A journey I wish upon NO ONE, but one I wouldn't have wanted any other way. Thank you so much for every prayer of healing, positive thought and story of hope - it carried me through every moment.

To God all the glory for the miracle of healing!

To Andries and my beautiful two boys, Hugo and Ivan - every step was worth it to be able to be longer with you.

To all our wonderful family and friends - you've been the wings that carried us with the diagnoses, every chemo session, the operation and the times in-between.

Don't let fear ever get the best of you. We can only live in the moment. Let our yesterdays make us wise and let our tomorrows make us courageous. Lets love unconditionally and live life to the fullest, in our todays.

Race for Life

Photos from the top: (1) Warming up (2) Running for my dear friends (3) My three biggest supporters (4) Crossing the finish line (5) Ivan, Hugo & I

Today I completed my first 5km Race for Life Challenge - I had an amazing time! The event was held at the O2 Dome in Greenwich, the first one ever at the O2 and also the first of the season. There are various events all over the UK during summer time and approximate 730 000 entries are expected in 2010.

Race for Life is an UK cancer research organisation. The aim is to raise as much as possible money to continue the great work doctors and scientists are doing in life-saving research into causes of cancer. In 2009 they raised 65 million pounds. As a five month breast cancer survivor, I know I benefited a great deal from this.

You get a race-number to wear on the front of your shirt and a bright pink card for you back that reads: "I race for life for:....." - well, I did it for my dear friends Magdel and Anneliese. It was quite an emotional morning for me and it touched me deeply that my three greatest fans were there, Andries, Hugo and Ivan. Last week Sunday was the annual London marathon and our church were involved with one of the water stations. Both Hugo and Ivan shouted "hou-bene-hou! hou-bene-hou!" to just about all the runners. Today was no different and my little men were very impressed that mommy completed a "marathon"(we explained it was just a tiny little mini-marathon!).

I also entered one for the 4th of July. A bunch of moms and staff from Hugo's play school are also taking part. This one will be all around the beautiful Greenwich Park. The other one I entered is in Regent's Park - the park right at the cancer clinic where I received my chemo as well as the London Clinic where I was hospitalised for the operation and recovery. Both my doctors work in Harley Street, very close to the park.

As earlier mentioned, today is my five-month-in-remission-anniversary. I feel so blessed and often overwhelmed by the goodness, grace and love bestowed upon us by our Lord and God. I feel so excited and positive about the future!

Back home - in London

(Photos from the top: kids and myself (my hair is not the shortest anymore!); Andries and the boys, visit and lekker braai with great friends; cousins on Andries' side; with my sister Karien's boy, James, also two)

We've been back home in London for 10 days now. A hectic 10 days. I didn't sleep on the plane home at all and it took me the better part of three days to get my head and spirit ready for the next leg of our stay.

We had a fantastic time in South Africa - wish we could stay longer and see more people. We will have to come and make up at a later stage....

While visiting SA I saw a physiotherapist that specialises in the treatment of lymphoedema. Lymphoedema is a risk due to treatment of breast cancer. Lymph is a colourless fluid which forms in the body and is normally drained. Lymph nodes acts as filters and also play an important part in the body's defence against infection by removing excess protein, dead or abnormal cells and bacteria. If this drainage becomes blocked or damaged, lymph will accumulate in the tissue and swelling occurs. Lymhoedema can lead to changes in the tissue such as hardness and an increased risk of infection. The swelling can then become even more difficult to control. In my situation, where 18 lymph nodes were removed, lymphoedema will always be an issue. The therapist suggested that I wear an arm sock on the flight back to the UK and also on days when I am going to use the arm a lot. She also showed me good exercises to help the muscles encourage the flow of fluid through the vessels.

My sister-in-law also treated me to a fantastic massage session with a lady that specialises in oncology massages. It helped so much to get the swelling of my hand and arm down, not to mention how wonderfully relaxing it was!

I also had an appointment with my breast specialist yesterday, just a check up. All is well and he is satisfied with the results five months post-op. Some days I can't believe that I am so close to the one year mark of my breast cancer diagnosis - it feels super surreal!

Little Hugo is still on school holiday and will be back three hours a morning, five days a week this coming Monday. I've also put Ivan's name down, but he can only go once he turned 30 months (still a while, since he turned two on the 4th of April).

When we arrived in London we were greeted with beautiful flowers all along the road back home as well as marvelous sunshine. The day light hours are also increasing every day and sunset is only around 20:00 in the evenings. If it seems late, wait till June, then the sun only sets around 21:20! But we enjoy very day as it comes. Because every single day will always hold in something beautiful, something special. I hope your next couple of days will also be special and cherished.

Fun in the sun!

As the title is giving away - we are having a fantastic time in SA. It is so good to feel the African sun on our (very!) white, almost see-through UK skins. The boys are playing outside for the most part of the day and are dirty most of the time - a sign of good use of energy.

I have managed a few tea-sessions as well as dinner-dates with friends, a movie and relinking with old friends. Andries is in Singapore at the moment, spending last week in Australia on business. We miss him so much! He was also able to visit with Bernard and Cornelie, very dear friends of ours. And the reports show that they have been spoiling him rotten! Thanks you guys!

I have been on the Tamoxifen drugs for about four weeks. At times it makes me feel horrible (like a menopausal, pregnant, depressed mother of three children under the age of three!). But for most of the time I am tolerating it quite well. I hope that the latter will be the final effect as both specialists are so positive about the drug. It keeps the cancer away from the healthy breast but is apparently also good for bone density and keeping the bad cholesterol low. My oncologist did however warn me that the drug was developed as fertility treatment and that "she doesn't want any little surprises"......

A lot of people are asking us if there will be more children. And the honest answer is that we just don't know. With the information now available to us, the likelihood is small. I have to be on the Tamoxifen for at least two years, although it is recommended for five years. We were also warned that it is best to not fall pregnant for at least two years after the administering of the last chemo. But, as with everything else we are leaving this in God's hands. He will know best....

We are very excited for Andries' arrival this coming Saturday. He will be on leave for a week before we return to London. The last week will be a jam-packed to make sure we see as many friends and family as possible. Our last say in SA will also be the day we celebrate Ivan's second birthday. We can't believe our little baby is growing up so fast!

Thank you again to all who are making this SA-visit so memorable and lovely. It makes it so much harder to return to our temporary home in London.

Thanks to all

We've been in SA for little over a week now. We are enjoying every moment in our beautiful and warm surroundings. Everyone is spoiling us and it is so good to see all our loved ones.

Yesterday we had our thanks-giving event. Thank you to all who were there and also to all who made the day possible. Thank you to everyone who helped with the preparation of the food and to everyone who attended. We feel so grateful and blessed to have you all in our lives.

But the biggest thanks to our heavenly Father - for love, grace and healing.

There are lots of braai and tea appointments. Can't wait!

XXX

Whoopedee...It is February!

Photos: Andries and the boys went to the Science museum to give mommy the day off; the hair is growing-growing-growing; boys taking a 'play-break' with some popcorn; Ivan the artist, the boys playing in the snow.

I am so happy that February is well under way. January has been a long and depressing month for me. I think it is because everyone went home, Christmas trees and lights have been put away, the days are still cold, short and dark and there was snow. Now the snow is usually magical, especially if you're from Africa. But the truth is it is magical when it falls and for a few hours after, then it becomes slush and icy and slippery and a little dangerous.

I am feeling OK, struggling a bit with lower back pain and the cuts from the operation also hurts every now and then. The back pain is from having to lift our little 13kg-mer into his car seat, in and out of shopping trolleys and every now and then we just have to change his nappy.... Other muscles are working harder and in different ways to make up for the loss of 100% commitment from the left arm. But we'll get there. Every day the pain and aces are better than the previous day.

My oncologist have now decided to definitely put me on the drug Tamoxifen. This is to prevent breast cancer from returning to the healthy breast. If I cope well with the side effects I'll be using this for at least the next two years (usually the prescription is for five years). She is very satisfied with the "progress and getting better" after the chemo. She is not very fond as to send patients for bunches of scans every month or three. She is afraid of the amount of radiation that the patient is exposed to. She prefers routine blood-work and examinations. I feel lucky that she has good contacts in SA (she was there just last week) for I will need a new doctor once we return to SA.

My hair is starting to grow much more, I almost need a trim at the back and around the ears. And slowly but surely I can feel that I am getting further away from the last chemo session and the aftermath of the operation. The other day I was working through photos from our time here in London, also looking at the chemo and cancer ones. It still feels so surreal, so far away, almost as if it never happened. The only traces of that time my short hair and the cuts on my body.

Andries went on a well-deserved skiing holiday with good friends. He really had his work cut out for him the last eight months - at the office and at home. I'll let you know if I survived the "at-home-alone-with-kids-in-tow".....

We are looking forward to our SA visit very much. It is so nice to start preparing for this time. I am looking forward to the sunshine the most! Not to mention the braaivleis and boerewors dinners that are awaiting us.

As mentioned in the previous blog entry, we are having a "thank-you" picnic in Roodepoort on the 7th of March. If you've been following the blog, we would love to see you there. Please send me an e-mail at lourika.kotzee@gmail.com for you invitation.

I've just finished Lance Armstrong's book 'It's not about the bike - My journey back to life'. It touched me deeply, and I predict that it would any cancer patient. This book has been so good to me on an emotional level. Lance is extremely positive, wonderfully encouraging and the best of all, straightforward. Although we don't share the same religious views, we do share the cancer journey and the 'getting-your-life-back' part. We are all going to face death one day, one way or another. In Lance's words: "But I think we are supposed to face it (death) straightforwardly, armed with nothing but courage. And courage being the quality of spirit that enables one to encounter danger with firmness and without fear". I hope you will be able to face all of life's challenges head-on, firm and without fear.

On our way to SA...jip-jip horaaay!!

Our family is (almost!) on our way to South Africa for a visit and work for Andries. We are super-excited about this! Can't wait to see all the family and friends.

During this time we would like to make use of the opportunity to say thank you to everyone, for all the love, support and prayers these last eight months. We will be having a get-together Sunday (late-morning) 7 March in Roodepoort. If you've been reading this blog, we would love to meet you at this special occasion. Please send me an e-mail at lourika.kotzee@gmail.com for your invitation.

Hope you are enjoying the sunshine (and rain!) of South Africa - in London it is warming up, to about 7 degrees.....

Take care!

The big bang!

Photos: The birthday cake; our family just before Christmas; Hugo & me; my mom & me.

So 2010 started with a big bang - new year's eve party next to the River Thames, dealing with cold and icy weather, saying good buy to my mom and our big boy turning four on the third of January.

Hugo ordered a space ship birthday cake and between my mom, Andries and myself we managed a ship that even Ivan could recognise as one that can go to space - a South African one!

The start of a new year also symbolises the start of many new things. I felt so overwhelmed with Hugo's birthday and realised that every birthday of the ones I love most is also going to be a celebration of me being in remission. I rejoice and thank the Lord every day for His grace and miracle of healing - it was the biggest and best Christmas present ever!

I also had my first haircut after the chemo. The hair is growing nicely, but the top halve was all fluffy and looked 'burnt' from the chemo medicine. Now that the damaged parts are off, we can start a new mop of hair in this new year.

I also saw my breast specialist today. He is very pleased at how the wounds are healing and is very satisfied with how the new breast is 'shaping' into place. I still have a few aces and pains now and again and struggle to get a comfortable position to sleep in, but everyday I feel better and every day I can move the left arm a little bit more. I have a very mild case of lymphedema, very natural only a few weeks after the operation. This is the swelling of the arm after the lymph nodes have been removed. The body's lymphatic system needs to 'search' for new pathways to do drainage now that those 18 nodes have been removed. But the swelling is so mild, I can for example wear my watch and wedding ring, but it sits very tight. And if all goes well, this condition will be over in a few months. We've also decided that I will start with the drug Tamoxifen after seeing my oncologist in February. If the side-effects are very bad and not manageable, I'll just go off the drug. If however there are only little side-effects, this drug can be of great benefit.

I am very excited about this new year in my life. Andries and I are planning a lot of stuff to do and see. Some of it was on the list at the beginning of 2009 which turned out very differently than we planned. But that is life and we can only do one day at a time. Both of us said "no regrets to anything in 2010". I hope you also have a great, prosperous, blessed 2010. I hope that you will do wonderful and eventful things. I hope that in 2010 you will also have no regrets!

White Christmas? Maybe!

(Photo: The six of us before Oupa and Ouma had to leave for Heathrow.)

I can't believe it's been almost 10 days since the last blog-entry. So much has happened!

First of all, I still need to pinch myself every now and then to make sure I am not dreaming. I am in remission and don't need radiotherapy! I feel happy and light-hearted. So enormously blessed. Make no mistake, I still have my moments - like two nights ago. All of a sudden I felt all panicky -What if it comes back in a few years? What about my young children? How do we explain this to them? But then I took a few deep breaths and reminded myself that nobody knows what lies ahead, not even for tomorrow. And yet again I needed to make a decision that fear will not get the better part of me. If we constantly live in fear it is going to steal our joy for life - I am not going to allow that! I can't control life. I can't control breast cancer. I can't always control how I feel. I CAN control how I am going to react to it.

It was with great sadness and tears that we had to leave my parents-in-law at Heathrow to return to their own home. We miss them so much. Yet again they were such a huge blessing to all of us for a whole month. They arrived back in sunny SA on the 16th, in time for my mom-in-law's birthday. She is a sassy, hip 60! Although they just missed the snow in London, I am sure they will not miss the cold.

But there were also tears of joy. My mom arrived on the day Andries' parents had to leave. So we have a representative from SA for Christmas and new year. It is so nice! And seeing that I don't have to go for radiotherapy, we can spend the time catching up!

Hugo had his last day of play school for 2009 on Wednesday. They were treated to lovely party food and a entertainer, dressed as one of Santa's elves. At the end of the session the kids were sent home with all their artwork in a nice big bundle. Everyone, except Hugo. He just refused to do any artwork and being at a play school, they force no one. So, the big project for this break is to do some painting and colouring. Out with the big "arts-and-crafts"-box..... Messy, messy...

It is almost Christmas and it seems that we might just have a white one. I hope that you all will be able to wind down at this time of year. Also take your deep breaths and count your blessings. Make time and effort to the nearest and dearest to your heart. Remember to say your "thank yous" and lots of "I love yous". Merry Christmas and may 2010 be a very special, blessed year for all.

No radiotherapy

It's been one week and one day since we've received our fantastic news. I saw the breast surgeon yesterday and he thought that no radiotherapy was needed. But, he wanted the opinion of Mr. Plowman (and as my father-in-law pointed out, luckily the breast surgeon was a Mr. Carpenter and not a Mr. Plowman!). Mr. Plowman is a radiologist and I was lucky to get an appointment on very short notice. After examining me he also confirmed that radiotherapy wasn't necessary. I feel very lucky, as radiotherapy also has it's own set of side-effects.

Mr. Carpenter would like me to go on a drug called Tamoxifen. Tamoxifen is an antagonist of the estrogen receptor in breast tissue. It is standard therapy for hormone-positive early breast cancer. The good news is that my breast cancer wasn't hormone-driven. My estrogen tested "weak positive, smaller than 10%". The down-side, if I have to take the drug, is that you have to take it for five years and the side-effects are the same as early menopause. My oncologist, Dr. Jones feels it is not necessary to take the drug - I am keeping fingers crossed for her verdict!

All is well on the home front. Andries had his year-end function and Ouma and Oupa went up the Gherkin building today (we know someone in high places - she works way up in this 40-floor building). And tomorrow they are going for some 'high tea' at The Ritz.

We had our last care-group meeting for the year. We had a nice dinner and exchanged gifts. We also had to list the things we are grateful for in the year 2009. Mine is obvious, I got my life back. As I listened to the rest of the group I realised that we need to be grateful for the little things in life just as much as the life-changing, earth-shattering things. Because life is made up by the little things. Little things happening every day. I am so grateful that my detour life-journey is back on track because now I can get back on focusing on those little things - building puzzles, decorating the Christmas tree, going for a walk. Rejoice with me, in the small things in life!

My Miracle

Today is a day of big celebrations! Today I've received my fourth miracle - Andries was my first, Hugo the second and Ivan the third.

Elmarie, Andries' sister, greeted me this morning with Heb 10:23 "Let us hold on firmly to the hope we profess, because we can trust God to keep His promise" - and I just knew today was going to be magical!

12 May 2009 I was diagnosed with Grade 3, Stage 2, Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, which has also spread to the lymph nodes under my left arm. Today, 1 December 2009 I've received my miracle news - I am in 'pathological complete remission'. The pathologist couldn't find any cancer in the tissue they've removed from the mastectomy. I am blessed, because this happens to only about 10% of patients.

We serve an AMAZING, LOVING God. A God of miracles. This I believe with my whole heart. I also believe in the power of prayer and that the Lord listened to every word from every prayer by every person for healing and health. Thank you for putting me and my family on your prayer list!

Last night, while I was struggling to fall a sleep, listening to music on my iPod, I asked the Lord to give London sunshine today if I was going to get good news. When I woke up, the sun was shining so bright, after days of pouring rain. The sun was out the whole day! This was my sign, straight from heaven!

Shout to the Lord, all the earth
Let us sing.
Power and majesty, praise to the king.
Mountains bow down and the seas will roar
At the sound of your name
I sing for joy at the works of your hands
Forever I'll love you, forever I'll stand
Nothing compares to the promise I have in you !!!!

And tomorrow, please say thank you with me, for this miracle of healing in my life!

Two weeks and counting

It's been little over two weeks since the mastectomy and reconstruction. Everyday I can do more and move the left arm more. I often hear that 'time heals everything' and I figure in this case it will be the same. In between I am enjoying all the flowers and messages received from all over the world - thank you all so much!There are still a lot of bruises and stitches. I will see the surgeon tomorrow and he will probably remove the stitches and give an update.

It also feels quite 'tight' in the area that they worked. The part that is most uncomfortable is under the arm where they removed 20 lymph nodes. But I was prepared for this as the textbook gives lots of good advise. With this cancer-journey I decided to pick two or three books and stick to those regarding information. One I found very useful in particular is 'Breast Cancer for Dummies'. It explains a bunch of stuff in ordinary English, although this is an American publication (the breast care nurse advised me to steer away from anything American regarding information, especially on the Internet!)

Another reason for my appointment tomorrow is to talk about the pathology report. I am nervous about the outcome. The bottom line is this: the more lymph nodes involved (cancerous) the more the likelihood of recurrence. There are lots of stats available and I know I need to look at these for what they are, just stats. And I am me, not just a piece of statistics. I also have an appointment with my oncologist and we will discuss the steps we need to take next.

But, we are not sitting bundled-up in a corner and worry about report-results! My parents-in-law went to The Royal Albert Hall last night to attend a Salvation Army Christmas Concert - they loved it! Andries was privileged enough to receive a ticket to the Chelsea VS Arsenal football match yesterday afternoon - also a great experience. Hopefully next time there will be two tickets... Hugo and I are making Christmas cards for his class mates and getting everything ready for next week's jam-packed 'Christmas-week' at school, which will be filled with parties, a kiddies entertainer, playing at the Tiller soft play area and gifts from Christmas father. Then it is holiday time (again!) and he will return to school on the 4th of January, the day after his fourth birthday.

And in between all of this? We are enjoying the Christmas feel all around us! And I am going for an eye brow shape session - it is amazing how fast hair can grow!

Home

There is indeed no place like home - no matter where in the world you called home. As soon as the doctor gave me the green light I packed my little bag and was ready when Andries arrived at 10:30 this morning to take me home. The traffic was a nightmare like most of the time in London, but we arrived on time to pick Hugo up from play school. He was dressed in a space suit and his face lit up like a Christmas tree when he saw me. He ripped off the outfit and told me in no uncertain terms that we are going home!

At home we where welcomed with big-smiled faces and the most delicious smells from the kitchen. Even Ivan, who is completely besotted about his father, was happy to see me. After a cup of tea and a toasted sandwich, I went to take a nap. It was wonderful to sleep in my own bed.

Thanks for all the prayers and messages. Now, I am going to lie down next to the boys and just enjoy a story or two. XXX

Hoping for home

Today I've been in hospital for one week. This time last week the mastectomy-procedure was well under way. I'm very thankful that I am on this side of the operation and on my way to recovery.

The hospital, The London Clinic, is all very smart, the service excellent (my hospital meals chosen from a menu and prepared and delivered by 'Clinic Hotel Services') and the staff extremely professional, but I want to go home now. I miss everyone terribly and can't wait to hand out heaps of hugs and kisses to my boys.

My hair also started to grow at a very good pace for the last week. I even had to shave under my not-dissected armpit this morning. I am very excited about the hair growing back on my head! Since Andries shaved everything off in July, it takes a split second to get used the image in the mirror, every single time I look at myself. Although it doesn't 'feel' different to have no hair on my head. The first lot of hair that is coming out feels very soft and the ends burnt - I think because of the strong chemo drugs. I have gotten the advise to let it grow out a bit and then shave it all off again. The next set of hair is then usually nice, smooth, strong and thick.

On a very serious hair-note. I've been washing my dome with baby shampoo. I reckoned that would be quite sensible and I will also 'have no tears'. Well, that is rubbish! The reason why babies scream until their faces turn blood-red during bath time, is because the shampoo burns your eyes like hell. Not to mention that it is a horrible sensation when the cold shampoo hits your bald head. Just keep that in mind next time you do babies hair...

Anyway, I am getting ready for my morning date - my three hunks are coming to visit, seeing that I will not be going home today. At least another drain pipe can be removed and then there is only one more left. So maybe, just maybe I can go home tomorrow. I hope you all have a great weekend and that the temperatures in Joburg will be rising very soon. XXX

Four days and counting

So it's been four days after surgery. I am bruised in a lot of places. Still three drain pipes hanging from my left side. Stiff from sleeping eight hours in one position. I am not particularly in a lot of pain, though I drink all the pills that they pile up in front of me - surely a lot of them pain killers. The nursing staff is wonderful - patient, understanding and extremely gentle.

But I miss home, my two beautiful boys, the familiar sounds and smells. My mom-in-law is by far the best cook I know. She can dish up the most amazing plates of food with minimal ingredients and splashes of spices here and there. I am so looking forward to that once I am home. My blood platelets are low and the doctor advised that I should eat well and added that "I don't need to tell a South African to eat red meat". But no piece of red meat in the UK can even begin to compare to a piece of Karoo lamb..... mmm....

My surgeon is off to a South African beach holiday. Cape Town. I am so excited for him. I gave him a nice long list of places to visit, wine to taste and roads to travel. He looked at me and said he was hoping to relax on the beach but would definitely consider my 'to do' list. I am so happy about the fact that the pounds we are spending on the surgery will be channeled back to South Africa - I hope he buys a lot of good wine and delicious SA cuisine.

Tonight the care group is packing shoe boxes. This is usually a fun-filled evening! The aim is to produce a Christmas box filled with toys and sweets for less fortunate children. A project run by the church. We are all so blessed, that it is so nice to be able to give back and share blessings. I hope that you will also join a special project this coming Christmas time and make a difference in someone's live, even if it is just one person.

The morning after...

The morning after the operation started very early - around 1 am. By that time the worst of the drowsiness was something of the past, and I could start my recuperation. At some point during my immediate post operation recovery I was instructed to control the pain by the self administration of morphine. I could not overdose on this pain killer, but had the ability to administer it not more frequently than every five minutes. For some reason I remembered that I should push the button every five minutes. The result was a very good first night, but also a bemused anaesthetist telling me that I used twice the normal amount of morphine following the operation. This does not classify me as an addict, and resulted in me feeling very happy and pain-free. He warned me that once this "overdose" has worn off it may result in post operation blues though!

I suspect that that many of you may wonder what the new breast looks like. I'm not going to publish a picture of my new piece of art, but suffice to say that I am very happy with the result... The shape of my new breast may change over time but the end result is normally quite satisfactory. I need to keep in mind that the aim of the operation is not to create a mirror image of the other breast, but rather to give me a "normal" looking cleavage when I wear under- or swimwear.

I've had a couple of visitors to date - Andries and Hugo, my mother's cousin Retha (who I last saw in 1980) and the Schiekes that travelled all the way from Reading. According to the surgeon I'll probably be in hospital until next weekend, but between visitors, books, television and my iPod I am sure the time will fly by.

I really feel positive after the operation, and the side effects are pretty manageable. I am not quite ready to cycle the 94.7 yet (and well done to those of you that did this weekend in Johannesburg!) but I'll get there!

A brief update following the surgery

Lourika has just woken up form her anaesthetist induced sleep, and seems to be all right and in good spirit. She is somewhat sleepy still, but otherwise in good form. The surgeon was happy with the operation, and we will see him tomorrow morning first thing.

So far so good - exactly as advertised! I'll provide a more detailed update once Lourika's had a good night's rest.